I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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