then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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