I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
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I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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