Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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