dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
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