i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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