Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I stole a fireplace last night.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
