did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
