Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I AM VODKA MAN
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
