His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
