After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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