Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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