We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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