So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize