Already got asked if we're dating
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
