Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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