in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
