I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
