i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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