Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
