my mouth tastes like poor choices
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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