Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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