My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
