the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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