I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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