Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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