Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
