tonight lets celebrate not being married
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
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What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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