I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
