Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
we made out on top of his cat.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
