Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
