so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
