It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
