My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
