How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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