I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So much Jack, so little girl.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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