I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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