My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
