i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
