Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
