just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
