some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
