I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
