Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
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He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
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Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?