I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.