3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops