We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
