are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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