i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
