I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
