I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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