im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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