i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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