this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
