Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
