He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
