do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
