Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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