are you still at the devil's house?
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
