shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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